Heidi Stecker
While religion played a role in Heidi’s life growing up, she never experienced a deep relationship with God or learned enough about Him to desire one.
“I remember I was baptized into the Catholic Church as a child, but we never went to church,” she said.
Heidi attended an all-girls Catholic high school. Her experiences there and how they drove her further from God prove John Gottman’s Magic Relationship Ratio: for every one negative interaction, it takes at least five positive reactions to neutralize it.
“I felt negatively about God,” she said. “The nuns and the priests were all so harsh and judgmental. I was never taught how to read the Bible. I knew absolutely nothing about God except for the warped view I saw there. Real world issues like abortion were never even discussed.”
Glad to have high school in her rearview mirror, Heidi started college. It wasn’t long until she fell in love with her college sweetheart. She was shocked to find herself pregnant at 19 years old.
“I had no idea that birth control expired,” she said. “My boyfriend said that he would not be forced into marrying me because I was pregnant, but if I had an abortion, he would marry me.”
An insecure teenager between a rock and a hard place, Heidi didn’t feel like she could lose him. She opted to have the abortion.
“I was one of the lucky ones because I had money. I was at least able to go to my OB for the abortion,” she said. “They even called it an elective D&C instead of abortion. When the procedure was over, I was wheeled out to the waiting room where my boyfriend was waiting. I will never forget what he said to me: ‘Now I know I want to marry you because you would do something like this for me.’ It sounds sick now, but I was so insecure that I thought he must really love me.”
Heidi and her boyfriend got married. Six months later, Heidi found out she was pregnant. Five months into her pregnancy, she tragically miscarried.
“I thought that God was punishing me,” she said. “This was only fair. God took one baby, and I took one baby. I saw God as the ultimate punisher.”
Heidi and her husband never talked about the abortion. They swept it under the rug and pretended it never happened.
“The pain of abortion will come out,” Heidi said. “In the end, I lost respect for my husband. It came out in passive aggressive ways. He left me after ten years for my friend who was pregnant with his child. I had three kids aged ten and under.”
Ever resilient, Heidi rolled up her sleeves and decided that she needed to better herself to support her children.
“I went back to school,” she said. “I worked late to pay the bills. Sadly, I hardly saw my kids at all during this time. I feel for single moms so much. I know how hard it is.”
During graduate school, Heidi had to do an internship. She decided to do hers at Planned Parenthood.
“I felt like I was helping women,” she said. “The pro-lifers outside were crazy and combative. It made the clinic feel like a better place.”
Heidi’s position in the clinic was post-abortion counseling.
“The post-abortion room was very sedate with Barcaloungers and soft music,” she said. “My job was to make them feel like they had made the right choice. I told every single woman the same thing: ‘Now your life can go back to normal.’ Honestly, at the time I felt great about it. No one ever talked about the negative consequences.”
Soon, Heidi became curious about what was happening with the women before they landed in her room. She asked to see an abortion.
“I went in the room with a young woman,” Heidi said. “She was crying so hard. I thought that they would cancel her appointment because it was clear that she was not comfortable and clearly unsure about the decision. Nope. Instead, they held her down. I looked under the sheet and saw little baby parts, not a clump of tissue. I nearly fainted. I ran out of the room and threw up.”
Heidi never returned to the clinic.
It took a serious illness for Heidi to look inward and begin to heal.
“In my 40s, I developed a serious illness and became bedridden,” she said. “A pastor’s wife would come over to visit and help me. We talked and she told me one day that I really needed to forgive my ex-husband and friend. It took me a while, but I was finally able to forgive them. Suddenly, I actually started to feel better. We were able to co-parent peacefully. We were able to see each other and get along. I did everything I could do to get my family healthy. I can’t imagine where I would be if I hung onto that unforgiveness.”
Despite this powerful experience, Heidi was not yet ready to let go of the negative impression she had about God and his people. She met a man who was not a believer, either. It wasn’t long before they were ready to get married.
“I was on my way to the place where we were to be married,” she said. “I was packing my car, and as I slammed the trunk, I heard the word NO. I truly believe that this was God trying to warn me.”
Heidi and her second husband had a daughter together. During that time, Heidi gave her life to the Lord and became a born-again believer. This did not bode well with her husband.
“When I became a believer, he took on an extremely hostile and abusive way. When I finally separated from him, he took everything. We had houses, bank accounts, investments; he cleaned everything out.”
Despite losing everything, Heidi now lives a simple and peaceful life knowing that the only thing she needs, she already has.
“Today, I live in a little apartment with my daughter, who is also a believer,” she said. “I had to learn to forgive. I can’t hang onto anger and bitterness and still have a great life. Today, I have the best life. I wake up every day and pray that I am able to fulfill my purpose.”
Heidi also prays that her three older children, whom her ex-husband soured on Christianity, would come to the Lord.
Today, Heidi teaches the Forgiven and Set Free Bible study at her local pregnancy center.
“Women don’t understand why it is so important to heal from their abortions,” she said. “So much of the turmoil they are experiencing in their lives is tied to abortion. Only healed women can help hurting women. At the end of the study, we have a memorial. When you have an abortion, you are not allowed to grieve that baby. It is beautiful to see women heal, and as they do, He reveals their purpose and His plan for them.”
When Heidi contacted And Then There Were None about doing a Bible study for Quitters, she was surprised when she was offered the opportunity to go on a healing retreat.
“I didn’t think I needed healing from my short time at the clinic,” she said. “Abby asked me how many people I had impacted or influenced with the secular Sexual Health and Human Sexuality classes I had taught using Planned Parenthood’s curriculum. That is when it really hit me. I was a Quitter.”
Heidi is grateful for And Then There Were None and her Quitter Tribe. She urges any other workers, no matter how long they were there, to contact ATTWN and start their healing sooner rather than later.
“No matter how long you worked there, even if you only answered the phones: don’t think that it doesn’t affect you. You may not even know how yet. ATTWN showered me with unconditional love. I felt like I was just taking up space for another woman who needed it at the retreat, but I found out that I was that woman. I needed healing from my time in the clinic.”
Heidi shares this experience of healing and forgiveness with the women she works with today, teaching them that they must conquer their past and find healing before they can move on.
“Today, I have peace, joy, love, and purpose,” she said. “I have peace with my life and even when I leave this world, because I have my beautiful daughter waiting for me in Heaven. Either way, I have hope.”